Making and maintaining contacts and friendships is difficult for me.

Do you find it difficult to approach strangers? Or do you get to know new people quickly, only for them to remain casual acquaintances so that you lack close friends? Do you often feel that others take advantage of you, but you just don’t know how to say “no”? When it comes to relationships, do you have difficulty putting yourself first, dealing with conflict, or setting boundaries?

Social relationships are important. Whether it’s spending time with friends or family, doing fun activities, laughing together or talking about problems and getting support – all these things help you stay healthy. The following tips are designed to help you build, maintain or enhance your social network.

Social relationships promote well-being.

Humans are social beings. From an evolutionary point of view, it was important to be part of a social group as this ensured survival. Making an effort to belong and not be excluded is therefore understandable and sensible. Of course, the world has changed over time. Social relationships are no longer necessary for our survival, but they do have a positive effect on our health. Numerous scientific studies show that good (close) social relationships benefit both our mental and physical health.

This is because the people connected to you can help to reduce your emotional burden, by listening to you, showing understanding and expressing affection and appreciation. They can also offer practical help (with studying, for example). Social interaction, such as fun group activities or regular sport, also helps to implement stress-prevention strategies. But helping others – volunteering for something – can be beneficial too.

There is even a biological reason why social interaction is beneficial. The pleasing effect of satisfactory interpersonal relationships is likely to lead to the release of increased levels of the so-called “bonding hormone” oxytocin. This leads to a reduction in pain perception, and a decrease in heart rate, blood pressure and cortisol concentration in the blood, thus having a significant stress-reducing effect.

A survey of JGU students in 2017 found that around half of these considered conflict in a relationship or within the family to be stressful. 40% found arguments between roommates to be stressful. Over half of respondents would ask family, friends or partners for advice if they had difficulty dealing with stressful situations.

From time to time, it is important to take stock of your social network. It is only when you know how satisfied or dissatisfied you are with it and why that you make any changes for the better.

How to make new friends.

Maybe you’re new to Mainz and don’t know anyone yet. Maybe you’ve been here for a while but your friends take completely different courses to you, or they are abroad this semester, or maybe they have already graduated. Or maybe you just don’t have much in common with each other anymore and there’s nothing to talk about. A lot of these kinds of changes can happen while you are at university. At school things are different, as a class usually stays unchanged for several years. There are many reasons why it might be necessary to realign yourself and build new friendships.
But how do you go about that exactly?

If you don’t have the courage to approach others because you think you’re boring or don’t deserve to have friends, have a look at the section “Improving your self-esteem”. There you will find tips on how to improve your own view of yourself.

Additionally, here is an overview of the leisure activities offered at JGU.

Making small talk

There’s nothing wrong with a trivial and casual conversation. It might not be particularly exciting, but it is really about getting in touch with others, making a good impression and building a positive atmosphere. Getting to know other people is fun and small talk is the best way to go about it.

How do you become close friends with someone?

Finding true friends is not necessarily an easy thing. And not every acquaintance has to become a long-lasting good friend. For an acquaintance to become a friend, the length of time you have known each other and your shared experiences are key. Meeting up regularly provides the opportunity to get to know each other better, exchange ideas and strengthen your relationship.

Don’t lose courage.

It’s okay if the other person doesn’t share your wish to spend more time together. Don’t take it too personally and interpret rebuffs realistically. There are many reasons why someone might cancel a meet-up – the fact they don’t want to meet is only one possibility. And if they don’t, that’s okay too. There will always be someone who doesn’t like you. You probably don’t like everyone either. Don’t let yourself be discouraged and keep on looking.

You should also pay attention to the demands you place on both yourself and your counterpart. No friendship is ever “perfect”. No-one is able to meet all of your needs, nor do you have to meet all of your friend’s needs. This also applies to your relationship with members of your family. It’s a good thing to have not just one friend or one important family member in your life, but several. For example, you could have a friend who you can have a great time at a party with, a friend or family member who you tell everything and ask for advice and a friend that you like going on vacation with. All three of these friendships or relationships are good and important, even if they might not be considered “perfect”.

How to maintain and strengthen your existing contacts and when to critically examine your relationships.

It may sound mundane, but all social relationships – whether it be with acquaintances, friends, family members, or partners – must be maintained if they are going to last. Even if you think you don’t have the time because you’re buried in the stress of student life. A brief message or phone call is sometimes enough, it doesn’t have to take very long.

Social relationships are also about sharing your feelings or needs, about asking for help or giving constructive criticism.
Be a good friend and treat others the way you want to be treated.

Side note: Put yourself in their shoes

Communication is a very complex (interpersonal) process. It is a mutual exchange of information, wishes and feelings, and can be done both verbally and non-verbally. In order to communicate successfully, it can be helpful to look at things from the other person’s (or people’s) perspective. Since you can’t read their thoughts, you can only interpret what you can see and hear. However, it is quite possible they actually intended to tell you something completely different. And it can be same from your point of view. This can lead to misunderstandings and disagreements. Everyone involved is responsible for making sure that they communicate successfully.

There is a classic communication concept called the “four-sides model” defined by Friedemann Schulz von Thun. It describes how a message is communicated by a speaker on four levels and is then received on four levels by the listener.

Expressing wishes or asking for something

In social relationships, it is important to express one’s own wants and needs. No-one is able to read your thoughts. Only when you say what you want and what you don’t, can the other person fulfill, or fail to fulfill, your wishes. But it is also important to fulfill your own wants and needs. You have a right to your wishes. You are also perfectly entitled to express them, you just can’t force others to fulfill them.

If people do not express their needs, it can lead to misunderstandings and conflict, which in turn can create unhappiness and have long term negative effects on friendships as well as family and romantic relationships.

One possible reason for not expressing your needs is the fear of being rejected and less liked by others. This can lead to you behaving in a very restrained manner, so as not to appear selfish. However, even this behavior does not guarantee you will be liked by everyone.

Saying “no”

Canceling arrangements or denying a request by saying a polite, but firm, “no” can help you look after yourself and is important in any social relationship.

There are several reasons why you might find it difficult to say “no”. To anticipate for the moment, here are some facts to remember about saying “no”: It’s not selfish, it’s not rude, it won’t lose you any (true) friends, you don’t have to please everyone. It’s okay to say “no”. You have the right to allocate your time and energy as you wish. This doesn’t stop you being a likeable person.

It is also important that you set boundaries and say “no” clearly, especially in situations in which you encounter psychological, physical or sexual violence. There are several contact points where you can get help.

Click here to view the JGU Policy on Protection Against Sexual Harassment, as well as related contact points at the university. The “Weiße Ring”, for example, helps people who have fallen victim to crime and violence.

Dealing with conflict

Conflict can arise when two different opinions or interests collide. This is an everyday occurrence and does not necessarily mean that a relationship is not good one. What is crucial, however, is how the conflict is handled. In order to resolve a conflict constructively, it is important that you get your point of view across plainly without hurting the other person, and also that you try to understand their side of things and also be willing to compromise. You shouldn’t wait too long to discuss the conflict, but take the time to clarify your own position in advance.

If you are not able to reach an agreement, or the dispute becomes even worse, find someone to mediate between you.

Remember that you have been dealing with the subject in detail and have read a lot about how to “communicate properly”. Your counterpart may not necessarily have that knowledge. Keep this in mind and be forgiving if possible.

And last but not least: Although you are responsible for your own behavior you can’t influence the other person’s behavior.

When a friend or partner might not be good for you (anymore).

If you did the exercise “Reviewing your social network – part 1”, you may have become aware that there are some relationships that currently cause you stress instead of providing you with support. For example, this could be the case if you are/have been exploited or cheated on, if your friend or partner begrudges your success, or if you don’t seem to be important to them. Think about whether it is something you can change. If you have had an argument or something has annoyed you, then seek a dialog and try to resolve the conflict.

We have put together a checklist for “Dealing with conflict”, which outlines what you should look out for.

If discussing the matter doesn’t work, or if you come to the conclusion that you do not want to develop or continue the relationship further, it might be better to give each other a breathing space or even to break the relationship off completely, in order to protect yourself. This requires you to be brave in the short term, but in the long term it will do you good.

Side note: Family

Unlike your friends, you don’t choose your family. The relationship between children and parents changes during adulthood, especially when you leave home. This can be good and have positive consequences. For example, you become more self-sufficient, and you and your parents become less bothered about everyday things because you don’t see each other as often. But if you have a lot of arguments with your parents, it might make sense to seek a dialog and talk things over. Just like with friends or partners, when it comes to family relationships, it may be good for you to distance yourself from them for a while, go home less often, or break off contact completely.

Interacting with teaching staff.

Teachers/supervisors/mentors

Over the course of your studies, you will certainly have to interact with teaching staff at some point. This might be because you want to discuss a presentation or the subject-matter of an assignment or an examination. Most teaching staff offer fixed personal office hours during which you can sign up for appointments. Some also offer appointments by phone.

When sending an e-mail to your lecturer, make sure you have the correct address and remember to check your spelling. Try to keep your query as clear and concise as possible, and be careful not to ask any questions that you could answer by doing your own research. Think of a suitable subject line so that your lecturer knows exactly why you’re contacting them. Use your university e-mail address as it looks more professional.

Again, put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Empathy helps prevent potential conflict right from the outset and makes life easier for all involved.

For example, if you know that your lecturer is particularly busy due to it being an exam period, then put in the e-mail that you only want a brief conversation. Clear agreements and procedures also make life easier and help avoid any unnecessary communication. Ask yourself: How do I make it as easy as possible for the other person to deal with my request? By the way: This advice is not only helpful when it comes to dealing with teaching staff, but also in many other areas – and of course later in professional life.

Would you like some help with regard to interacting with others?

You can book an individual counseling session through the Mental Health Services for Students. Also available are courses on the subject of “Improving social skills” (only in German) which run every semester.

---