Do you find it difficult to trust yourself and your abilities? Are you very critical of yourself and always demand perfection? Do you dislike yourself sometimes? Do you undervalue yourself?
Our self-esteem is determined by our inner attitudes toward ourselves. Changing these is one of the best ways to improve self-esteem. Here you can find some tips and exercises that you can use right away.
- Key points at a glance
- Self-esteem. The value you place on yourself.
- Where does self-esteem come from?
- Recognize your achievements, strengths and weaknesses.
- Perfectionism. When everything depends on your achievements.
- Self-care improves your self-esteem.
- Self-esteem and body image
- (Small) achievements can make you happy.
- Maintaining good relationships.
Key points at a glance
- Change how you think about yourself: You decide how much value to place on yourself.
- Step back in time: Your self-esteem is something that will have developed over the years. Looking back can help you build for the future.
- Keep an internal inventory: Remind yourself of all the things you can do, and make a note of all your strengths and weaknesses. Knowing yourself builds self-esteem.
- Send your inner critic to time-out! Good news: You don’t have to be perfect.
- How can you do yourself some good? Taking good care of yourself, just as you would take care of others, boosts your self-esteem.
- Do you feel attractive? Your body image is more than simply what you see in the mirror.
- What went well today? Make a note of all the good things that happen; this will have a long-term effect.
- The people around you are important. Nurture your social relationships as you would a favorite plant. Good relationships give you confidence and make you strong.
Haven’t got time to read?
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Podcast | Improving your self-esteem (14:39)
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Self-esteem. The value you place on yourself.
The whole thing might seem harmless at first. You say to yourself: “If I prepare as well as I can for this exam, I will have done my best to be a good student.” By so doing, you are actually laying down conditions and rules that will determine whether you see yourself as being “good” or “bad”.
It becomes problematic if you define your own value on the basis of rigid rules that you cannot realistically live up to. For example: “If I don’t pass the exam, I’m a total failure.” That is a very black and white way of thinking and is being very hard on yourself. You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself not to fail. If you get caught up in a vicious spiral of rules and thoughts, it can, in extreme cases, lead to mental health problems such as depression, anxiety and eating disorders. This doesn’t mean that judging yourself is wrong, but you should remember to remain nuanced and realistic in your judgments and not to generalize.
In the following exercise, we’ll take you through some examples of ways of assessing yourself that are not beneficial to your self-esteem – and suggest some techniques that you can use to positively influence your self-esteem.
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Where does self-esteem come from?
Your self-esteem is not simply a kind of “price label” that is randomly attached to you at some point. Rather, your self-esteem is something that develops throughout your life. Our formative experiences usually play an important role in this, whether these involve our family, our time at school or our circle of friends. Society and the media are also very influential. The ways others around you have reacted towards you (such as giving you put-downs or praise) could well have contributed to the attitudes you have today.
Your self-esteem comes from a variety of sources, including your achievements, performance, skills, knowledge, appearance, athleticism, close social relationships and level of self-acceptance. Yet some of these sources are difficult to define – after all, how others see you is relative and performance is not a fixed constant, but can fluctuate. Relying on such unreliable assessment criteria can undermine your self-esteem. For this reason, try to avoid making your self-esteem dependent on individual factors.
If you would like to do more in connection with this topic, try this exercise.
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Recognize your achievements, strengths and weaknesses.
Look at what I’ve already achieved! To keep your self-esteem on an even keel, it is important that you are aware of your capabilities and achievements. What can you do particularly well? What have you achieved in your life? What are your strengths and weaknesses? As you well know: nobody is perfect! Be glad of your achievements and strengths, acknowledge your weaknesses and change the things you’re able to change. And above all, don’t compare yourself with others. There is always someone who can do things better (or appears to be able to). Instead, focus on what you want to change and achieve. Be your own benchmark.
Boosting your self-esteem
Lay it on thick: Make a list of the all the things you’ve done. And we mean absolutely everything – even the little things that might seem trivial to you. Recognize your achievements, strengths, and weaknesses. Write down the things you do well and those you don’t do so well. Then, you can think about what you might like to change. If you can’t think of much, ask others what they like about you. You can always read this list anytime you start to doubt yourself.
The following exercise shows one way of doing this.
read pdf now
Perfectionism. When everything depends on your achievements.
Is good just not good enough for you? If you demand perfection from yourself, you probably assume that others expect a lot from you too. This means you’re putting pressure on yourself and this can negatively impact on your relationships with others.
A healthy level of ambition is constructive and motivational. If you place exaggerated and unrealistic demands on yourself, on the other hand, this can have a negative impact on your long-term health and well-being.
“You’re never good enough, you never do anything right”: This is your inner perfectionist critic speaking. It wants you to live up to the expectations of your parents, friends and others close to you. Because you don’t want to let them down, you try to get the best out of yourself. And your inner critic can be helpful here. However, if your inner critic becomes increasingly more influential over the course of your life, or your circumstances change, it may cease to be supportive and start to put you under pressure. It lacks a counterpart, an inner friend who is always sympathetic towards you.
Get to know your perfectionism
Get to know your own perfectionism better. Try to answer the following questions: Where does this perfectionism come from? How pronounced is it? In what particular situations does it come to the fore? Are the demands you put on yourself fair? Would you demand the same from your best friend?
Self-care improves your self-esteem.
“I don’t deserve this” – does what you do for yourself depend on what you achieve? Or do you think that you don’t need to look after yourself? What you do for yourself should not be made conditional. Instead, ask how you can do yourself good. Everyone needs to look after themselves if they want to improve their self-esteem. For this purpose, you need to know your needs and wants and make sure that they are met.
A common complaint made by students is that they are not in a position to simply treat and spoil themselves. But this is not what is meant. Looking after yourself means paying attention to your current needs and meeting them. This can vary considerably depending on the situation and your mood. Maybe right now it would do you good to pick yourself up and go and meet your girlfriend, but maybe it would also be prudent to cancel your date, go to bed early and get a good night’s sleep. Only you can decide what you really need in any particular moment.
Pay attention to your basic physical needs
It sounds simple, but it makes a big difference: Make sure you eat and drink enough. For example, keep a bottle of water on your desk when you study. Self-care starts with fulfilling your basic physical needs. This also promotes your mental health.
Here you will find some more ideas on how to make sure you are looking after yourself properly.
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Self-esteem and body image
Mirror, mirror on the wall: Your mirror image is not the same as your body image. Body image is the mental image you have of your body. This is determined by your perception, feelings, thoughts and behavior towards your body and also experiences you have had during your childhood and youth. Our self-esteem also influences how we see ourselves and how we act towards ourselves.
People with a high level of self-esteem generally treat themselves, their needs and their bodies with more care and appreciation. This includes things like a healthy diet, physical exercise and personal hygiene. A body that is treated with care is considered more positively as a result. This creates a loop that can either enhance self-esteem and body image or weaken it. There are many different ways you can begin to improve your body image and therefore also your self-esteem.
Questions about body image
Would you like to know more about your own body image? Then ask yourself the following questions: What makes a person attractive? What do I like about others? What do I like about myself?
(Small) achievements can make you happy.
Don’t let things get you down: There are all sorts of stumbling blocks scattered throughout everyday university life that can have an effect on your self-esteem. So it is important that you don’t simply focus on the things that impair it. Make yourself stronger by learning to have a more positive attitude. For example, learn to recognize the good in things.
It helps to schedule pleasant things in your daily life (for example, regularly meeting up with your best friend).
In order to focus more on small and large achievements, it helps to keep a journal in which you note down positive things that have happened to you and things you are grateful for.
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Maintaining good relationships.
Maintaining relationships: Good friends, being in a happy relationship or having close ties with your family – all of this makes you strong and contented. Another important source of your self-esteem is feeling involved. Knowing that you are liked and needed, and being told so by others every now and then. Being able to rely on others for support if you need them promotes your well-being.
More on the topic of social contacts
You can read about how to build, maintain or improve social contacts in the section “Your social network”.
Take a look at this exercise if you want to think about what you can do right now to nurture your social network.
read pdf now
“I feel worthless.” What should you do when self-esteem becomes a problem?
Take your time. A positive and stable level of self-esteem cannot be built in a day.
You can book an individual counseling session through the Mental Health Services for Students. Also on offer every semester is an “Improving your self-esteem” course (in German only).